You must remember this…

All these funerals and memorials and tributes and eulogies of late have got me thinking about how I’d like to be remembered. I used to think it was just tempting fate to do things like write a will (still haven’t — don’t own anything ‘valuable’ and reckon you can all fight it out over my corsets and CDs and trinkets should I pop off anytime soon), and the idea of planning out a funeral (unless/before you had a semi-definite date) seemed even worse…

That said, well, here’s a few instructions/requests for how I’d like the formalities conducted. First and foremost, IF ANYONE PLAYS ALEX LLOYD’S ‘AMAZING’ AT MY FUNERAL I WILL COME BACK AS A BOLT OF LIGHTNING AND SMITE THEM. I am all for sad songs at such occassions, but not depressing ones. Find a rousing funeral dirge or two, drag out some classical death march-type numbers, bring a bit of bloody circumstance to it! Something like Saint Nick of the Cave doing The Carnival is Over, or The Ship Song, or Patti Smith’s Ghost Dance, some Leonard Cohen (Hallelujah of course). Maybe Peggy Lee’s Is That All There Is?, or the Tiger Lillies’ Crack of Doom for a bit of light relief.

I kindly request that there are no ‘white ladies’ (an Aus funeral company where it’s all ladies and they all wear white/cream — as opposed to being white) — I am sure they are lovely but to me they lack a certain dramatic flair. Such people should be dressed in all black, with frills and lace and perhaps a small but fetching hat, and nicely polished shoes. The horses should of course be dressed in leather and feathers, and the small child leading the procession in a top hat (hmm, might be pushing it on that one, maybe forget the kid).

No clergy if it can be at all avoided, but include a few prayers and a bottle of holy water if it makes the family feel more comfortable. Guests should be provided with silky hankies in which to weep, and outfitted in black net veils, dark suits, gloves, brogues, heels, ties… you get the gist. Pallbearers would be lovely, and don’t just leave it to the boys please. Guess folk will say what folk will say when it comes to eulogies, and I’m not about to try and put words in other people’s mouths so just going to have faith that you could all easily sort that out! I have absolutely no desire to be cremated, and would prefer to be interred near some family if such a thing is reasonable. Decent headstone too, with some sort of interesting quote (current favourite is by Aristotle: ‘Poetry is finer and more philosophical than history; for poetry expresses the universal, and history only the particular’). And under no circumstances should those horrid curtains be closed before people have left the ‘chapel’ — its just too gruesome for words. After the ceremony everyone should enjoy a tasty vegan feast and get a bit pissy and tell outrageous stories and wail for a while and dance me into the next world…

So, that is the formalities. But how would I want people to remember me? That is another question entirely.


About Madame Moselle

Freelance provocateur. Enthusiastic optimist. Dancing bear. Believer. Facilitator of perversion. Disseminator. Libertine. Moth and flame. Rouser of rabble. Stirrer of pots. Bowerbird. Public spectacle.
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